|Free in bondage.|
I was cleaning out my bookcase the other day when I stumbled upon a very depressing picture of myself. The picture is about 5-6 years old and it reflects the lowest point of my life. I was in my mid 20’s weighing almost 350lbs. I began having weight related health problems that were made worse by my deep depression. I was so disconnected from everything and everyone around me. I functioned in life… but barely. There was not a day that would pass where I actually felt desirable or attractive. I was hideous. The way I saw myself reflected in how I adorned myself. I shopped in the granny section of the store. I would never step foot in the more contemporary age appropriate clothing. I wore my hair in a bun. I hardly ever wore make up. I never really had a reason to.
I was morbidly obese living in pain and missing out on the life of my son. How selfish of me to allow myself to sink to such depths. I developed a condition called lymphedema which caused severe pain and swelling in my legs. I was practically immobile. I rode the motorized shopping cart in stores because I was in so much pain. I developed a degenerative disease in my back which also made it difficult for me to walk. I couldn’t even walk from my house to the mailbox and back without pain. I was miserable as my picture reflects.
I allowed the pseudo-love for a man blind me to the life I had planned for myself. The natural born free spirit in me died. With that death, came sickness and depression. I did not know how to function in a relationship and remain “free”. I took on a lot of pressures from my mate to be a part of his spiritual path. That path involved me not being able to be myself so I began to rebel yet conform at the same time. In the process I slowly put my dreams on the back burner as well as the parts of myself that made me unique. I committed suicide and lost sight of the light.