I guess I'll see you next lifetime...

Dedicated to the one that got away...

20 FREAKING pounds:-(

I finally bit the bullet and climbed my butt on the scale. Lawd have mercy! When I saw that I gained 20lbs of the 78 that I lost, my heart cracked, crumbled, and fell to the ground. I have struggled with weight since my teens. I had adopted so many bad habits over the years. It's so hard to lose weight. It's hard to stay motivated. For someone like myself, when things are in disarray forget about me being able to focus on the task at hand. I managed to remain somewhat confident in my full-figured beauty as a young woman yet at the same time there were things that I wanted to wear that I just couldn't.

Earlier this year I was unstoppable. I was walking almost everyday. My diet was on point. There's a saying that health is 1/3 diet, 1/3 lifestyle and 1/3 attitude. I was so there, lol. I began to feel sexy and of course I started getting more attention from the opposite sex. It felt so good to finally be accomplishing my weight loss goals. I was able to do so much more. I had suffered with health complications due to the weight for so long. It was putting a major strain on my family. Things my husband wanted to do I was unable to do because of back pain and depression. When I say I was miserable, please believe me, I was!

I started making changes back in 2005 after I was forced to resign from my job for health reasons. In actuality those bastards tried to fire me because they didn't want to give me a part-time schedule like my doc said was needed. Anyway that inspired me to get busy. I joined Weight Watchers and the local gym. I couldn't walk without pain so I rode the bike. That's how I lost my first 25lbs. Since then I've worked on it, not consistently but I have never gotten close to my highest weight. It seemed that with every 15lbs lost my body reset at that weight. I would never gain more than 5lbs from that point and that would inspire me to start working at it again.

I'm at a point where it is really hard to get motivated and since I have other personal issues going on. I really have to get back in the game. With the 20lb gain my back has started hurting again. Yesterday I fasted. Today I made sure not to over do it. Tomorrow I'll make another step toward getting back on track. At this point all I want is to get healthier. My life depends on it. My family needs me healthy.

Eat well, live well, and think right!

Mommy Worries...

I am a concerned mom and I constantly worry about the well being of my children. I ignored the signs with Justin that there was something different about him. I was in denial even after a teacher brought it to my attention that he may have ADHD. I was always reading and studying about health issues but I reluctantly read about the condition but I didn't act. I listened to people say he'll grow out it, I even had my parenting criticized and labeled the cause of his behavior. That lasted for years but I eventually saw that his social interactions were not improving so I sought help. It's challenging and tough at times.

Naturally when I noticed that Sarah wasn't saying much I began to worry. I had a tough pregnancy and was constantly being monitored. I guess that was to be expected with my history. Sarah is very smart. She always was but she just wasn't talking. She's 2 now and she's more vocal. We put her in speech therapy earlier this year. She has progressed well but her therapist is still concerned. When Sarah was 18 months old she was evaluated. Her results showed that intellectually she was on the same level as a 3 year old. So why wasn't my baby talking. I worried it was autism. I just didn't know what to think but I was glad I didn't wait to seek help.

Yesterday her therapists suggested she be evaluated for Apraxia. I had read on the condition a few months earlier so I was familiar with it. Can it be that this is what is affecting Sarah? I want answers. I've been referred to a specialist. Hopefully it's not something that she can't overcome. She really is making progress. I just want my kids to have a life with less worries and more enjoyment. Time to research natural herbs and medicine for answers as well.

Taking Control

I took a stroll down memory lane this morning. I started at the most recent pain I’ve been experiencing for the last 3 years. That sounds crazy but it’s true. I have a burden that’s been stealing my joy for that time. I went through some losses and pulled through with the help of a special green herb. It was my miracle herb. I picked myself up. I changed my eating. I started exercising. I even started experimenting with my hair. I started walking a spiritual path with my mate. What seemed to be the beginning of a great new start for us in my eyes, turned out to be something different. He had issues with my herbal remedy and the fact that I said I may never stop. I didn't want to stop because I had connected with a part of myself I thought was dead and I felt free. The truth is I never felt that free since my time before I fell in love with him. I was a hot chick. I was in school and working. Free to be myself with no restrictions. I was living and having safe fun. I was the girl next door who occasionally got tipsy and puffed a little herb. I was finding myself, even spiritually.

When we met it was like we had known each other forever. We were very comfortable. It was actually scary for me to feel that way for someone I just met but I really liked this guy from Brooklyn. He swept me off my feet but it came with conditions. That’s a story for a different blog. Today I realized I have to take control of this situation because just a few months ago I was happy. I started out with a 4.0 in school this semester and then some disturbing news rocked my world. My grades dropped, not too bad though I still pulled through with a 3.25 GPA. It wasn’t easy but I did it. I have to make sure I am happy at all times. I can’t let that situation continue to keep me from being myself, the free spirit. I am taking control of this situation because I want to reconnect with the girl below. Miss Independent:-)

Bush Broad Revisited

A couple of months ago I had an opportunity of a lifetime. I modeled for a very powerful movement. I was asked to write about my experience and this is what I had to say...

Beauty Redefined… That is how I sum up my experience working with the Bush Broads dream team. From the moment I walked into the building I could feel the creativity flowing from these beautiful ladies. I was nervous at first because I didn’t know how things were going to play out but I was also filled with excitement. On my way there I kept thinking of how they were going to dress me up and if I could actually pull it off. Its one thing to snap pictures of yourself in your bathroom but to have a team of professionals who exude pure style and haute-ness is a whole different experience. I felt so blessed to be a part of their vision.

I am sure they wondered what I was thinking of as I sat quietly in my chair. I traveled back to my teenage years when I would thumb through high fashion magazines dreaming of being in the shoes of a super model. The only problem was there were no models that looked like me. Black women come in many sizes, shapes, and color however the standard of beauty portrayed in the media didn’t reflect our diverse images. Black women and especially natural black women were underrepresented then and even now. As more black women return to their natural roots the image of beauty continually evolves. Bush Broads are redefining beauty and I am so happy that I had the opportunity to be a part of the project.

 

http://bushbroads.blogspot.com/2010/09/from-mouth-of-monique.html

 

 

My weight loss journey: Can you see the difference?

 2005

 2005

2007

 2010

2010

From my heaviest I have lost a total of 78lbs. I fell off the wagon for a moment but I am picking myself up to get back on my mission to becoming a sexier and  healthier Freespirit.

Umi Says...

I am choosing to shine my light on the world.


We all know that no one is perfect and we should all be striving to improve ourselves. As I was walking today I started to think about the true meaning of becoming a goddess. We are spiritual beings. It's a personal journey. Though I have not subscribed to only one spiritual path, I do believe that my journey to goddess-dom happens within. I can look at myself and see where improvements need to be made. I am not pretending to have it all together. I know that my focus needs to be within. Isn't that where we connect with The Source? Isn't that where we hear the voice of reason? Your pastor or spiritual leader can guide you but the real journey is within.


"For you and me, life is not promised..."


I don't know what's beyond the sky. I don't know what's beyond death. I use to be afraid of death but why should I fear something that comes for us all. Even the son of God couldn't escape death. Death is a part of the balance. However, I don't believe that our spirits die. This existence is temporary in our given shell which houses our spirit. This is why I am doing whatever I can to get my shell healthy so I can connect more freely to the higher me, the goddess in me. I won't give up because as Monique I only get one shot. I have a beautiful family. I have two little ones that don't deserve a broken mother, they deserve a real mother. One who lives life to the fullest. They deserve stability. I am responsible for them and though they don't belong to me, the love I have for them pushes me to do more.

Symbolic Walk of Freedom

Today I took my symbolic walk of freedom. I have suffered with sever depression for so many years. I’m slightly embarrassed that so much of my 20’s was spent in a whirlwind of depressive thoughts that skewed my view of life. It took a long time for me to even realize that my sadness and lack of motivation could be really classified as depression. Many times when a person thinks of depression as a mental disorder people are falsely labeled crazy. In reality depression is a serious kill joy to what life really has to offer. Sure there is pain in this world and unfortunately no human is exempt from its share of pain.


My depression stole my joy. I had to really do some soul searching to find out the exact point where my down feelings surfaced. I knew I was hurting and not seeing clear. I had an idea of where the depression came from but the one thing that I wasn’t banking on was that I had an underlying susceptibility to depression because of my genetics and other health issues. I’m a walking Catch 22.


For years I have been caught up in a painful situation. I’ve reviewed my journals, personal notes, emails, photo albums, etc., looking at how I’ve changed over these years. Each year I became more withdrawn and more insecure. My fragile self-esteem was being kicked, beaten, and stabbed. My heart broke so many times. Too many times but I had to learn to recognize my role in my heart’s broken condition.


Many things happened that were out of my control. I just didn’t know that I could walk away. I was first introduced to walking away in 06. Old baggage resurfaced along with expressions of disappointment and unfulfilled needs. It didn’t register until there was a face, a name to attach to the change in behavior and withdrawal. In a moment of rage I put on my sneakers and I walked. I was so emotionally distraught at that time. I cried and I walked until my adrenaline died down and my back pain forced me to sit on the side of the road.


Since that year my times of great loss have been met with a walk. I beat the pavement! This has become a trend but one I want to allow without being a result of pain. In the spring I was able to do just that. I confronted my feelings and then I moved on. I am moving on again. I am tired of past events causing me pain. I still struggle with my depression but I refuse to let it control me. I have to stay focused. It’s hard but I am not willing to give up.

Betrayal Hurts

Written June 1, 2007


Living each day not knowing the thoughts passing through your mind leaves an empty feeling inside.
Each glance you give me seems like there is something missing, something hidden that my eyes can’t see but my soul overstands.
Intuition sends a message of some kind, a premonition that appears in my dreams trying to signal that everything is not what it seems.
Trying not to dwell on events from the past but they haunt me every hour of every waking day.
There is no way that everything is okay or working out for the better.
Letters were written entailing disappointments and hesitation that this merger is worth saving.
Untruths spoken and guilt imposed on me that I was unaware of.
Thoughts crept into my mind saying that his heart is not all mine.
When our world is upside down there is no sunshine.
Patience reached an end and trust met its fate, sentenced to death by way of a breaking heart
in the midst my quest for finding myself makes me feel that I should walk away.
I never asked for this treatment, but maybe I deserve it.
Possibly facing the consequence of something done in a past life the one where I was a terrible wife or even in this life.
Separation is sounding pretty sweet because I need someone to be down for me completely not half heartedly.