2005
2005
2007
2010
2010
From my heaviest I have lost a total of 78lbs. I fell off the wagon for a moment but I am picking myself up to get back on my mission to becoming a sexier and healthier Freespirit.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Umi Says...
I am choosing to shine my light on the world.
We all know that no one is perfect and we should all be striving to improve ourselves. As I was walking today I started to think about the true meaning of becoming a goddess. We are spiritual beings. It's a personal journey. Though I have not subscribed to only one spiritual path, I do believe that my journey to goddess-dom happens within. I can look at myself and see where improvements need to be made. I am not pretending to have it all together. I know that my focus needs to be within. Isn't that where we connect with The Source? Isn't that where we hear the voice of reason? Your pastor or spiritual leader can guide you but the real journey is within.
"For you and me, life is not promised..."
I don't know what's beyond the sky. I don't know what's beyond death. I use to be afraid of death but why should I fear something that comes for us all. Even the son of God couldn't escape death. Death is a part of the balance. However, I don't believe that our spirits die. This existence is temporary in our given shell which houses our spirit. This is why I am doing whatever I can to get my shell healthy so I can connect more freely to the higher me, the goddess in me. I won't give up because as Monique I only get one shot. I have a beautiful family. I have two little ones that don't deserve a broken mother, they deserve a real mother. One who lives life to the fullest. They deserve stability. I am responsible for them and though they don't belong to me, the love I have for them pushes me to do more.
We all know that no one is perfect and we should all be striving to improve ourselves. As I was walking today I started to think about the true meaning of becoming a goddess. We are spiritual beings. It's a personal journey. Though I have not subscribed to only one spiritual path, I do believe that my journey to goddess-dom happens within. I can look at myself and see where improvements need to be made. I am not pretending to have it all together. I know that my focus needs to be within. Isn't that where we connect with The Source? Isn't that where we hear the voice of reason? Your pastor or spiritual leader can guide you but the real journey is within.
"For you and me, life is not promised..."
I don't know what's beyond the sky. I don't know what's beyond death. I use to be afraid of death but why should I fear something that comes for us all. Even the son of God couldn't escape death. Death is a part of the balance. However, I don't believe that our spirits die. This existence is temporary in our given shell which houses our spirit. This is why I am doing whatever I can to get my shell healthy so I can connect more freely to the higher me, the goddess in me. I won't give up because as Monique I only get one shot. I have a beautiful family. I have two little ones that don't deserve a broken mother, they deserve a real mother. One who lives life to the fullest. They deserve stability. I am responsible for them and though they don't belong to me, the love I have for them pushes me to do more.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Symbolic Walk of Freedom
Today I took my symbolic walk of freedom. I have suffered with sever depression for so many years. I’m slightly embarrassed that so much of my 20’s was spent in a whirlwind of depressive thoughts that skewed my view of life. It took a long time for me to even realize that my sadness and lack of motivation could be really classified as depression. Many times when a person thinks of depression as a mental disorder people are falsely labeled crazy. In reality depression is a serious kill joy to what life really has to offer. Sure there is pain in this world and unfortunately no human is exempt from its share of pain.
My depression stole my joy. I had to really do some soul searching to find out the exact point where my down feelings surfaced. I knew I was hurting and not seeing clear. I had an idea of where the depression came from but the one thing that I wasn’t banking on was that I had an underlying susceptibility to depression because of my genetics and other health issues. I’m a walking Catch 22.
For years I have been caught up in a painful situation. I’ve reviewed my journals, personal notes, emails, photo albums, etc., looking at how I’ve changed over these years. Each year I became more withdrawn and more insecure. My fragile self-esteem was being kicked, beaten, and stabbed. My heart broke so many times. Too many times but I had to learn to recognize my role in my heart’s broken condition.
Many things happened that were out of my control. I just didn’t know that I could walk away. I was first introduced to walking away in 06. Old baggage resurfaced along with expressions of disappointment and unfulfilled needs. It didn’t register until there was a face, a name to attach to the change in behavior and withdrawal. In a moment of rage I put on my sneakers and I walked. I was so emotionally distraught at that time. I cried and I walked until my adrenaline died down and my back pain forced me to sit on the side of the road.
Since that year my times of great loss have been met with a walk. I beat the pavement! This has become a trend but one I want to allow without being a result of pain. In the spring I was able to do just that. I confronted my feelings and then I moved on. I am moving on again. I am tired of past events causing me pain. I still struggle with my depression but I refuse to let it control me. I have to stay focused. It’s hard but I am not willing to give up.
My depression stole my joy. I had to really do some soul searching to find out the exact point where my down feelings surfaced. I knew I was hurting and not seeing clear. I had an idea of where the depression came from but the one thing that I wasn’t banking on was that I had an underlying susceptibility to depression because of my genetics and other health issues. I’m a walking Catch 22.
For years I have been caught up in a painful situation. I’ve reviewed my journals, personal notes, emails, photo albums, etc., looking at how I’ve changed over these years. Each year I became more withdrawn and more insecure. My fragile self-esteem was being kicked, beaten, and stabbed. My heart broke so many times. Too many times but I had to learn to recognize my role in my heart’s broken condition.
Many things happened that were out of my control. I just didn’t know that I could walk away. I was first introduced to walking away in 06. Old baggage resurfaced along with expressions of disappointment and unfulfilled needs. It didn’t register until there was a face, a name to attach to the change in behavior and withdrawal. In a moment of rage I put on my sneakers and I walked. I was so emotionally distraught at that time. I cried and I walked until my adrenaline died down and my back pain forced me to sit on the side of the road.
Since that year my times of great loss have been met with a walk. I beat the pavement! This has become a trend but one I want to allow without being a result of pain. In the spring I was able to do just that. I confronted my feelings and then I moved on. I am moving on again. I am tired of past events causing me pain. I still struggle with my depression but I refuse to let it control me. I have to stay focused. It’s hard but I am not willing to give up.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Betrayal Hurts
Written June 1, 2007
Living each day not knowing the thoughts passing through your mind leaves an empty feeling inside.
Each glance you give me seems like there is something missing, something hidden that my eyes can’t see but my soul overstands.
Intuition sends a message of some kind, a premonition that appears in my dreams trying to signal that everything is not what it seems.
Trying not to dwell on events from the past but they haunt me every hour of every waking day.
There is no way that everything is okay or working out for the better.
Letters were written entailing disappointments and hesitation that this merger is worth saving.
Untruths spoken and guilt imposed on me that I was unaware of.
Thoughts crept into my mind saying that his heart is not all mine.
When our world is upside down there is no sunshine.
Patience reached an end and trust met its fate, sentenced to death by way of a breaking heart
in the midst my quest for finding myself makes me feel that I should walk away.
I never asked for this treatment, but maybe I deserve it.
Possibly facing the consequence of something done in a past life the one where I was a terrible wife or even in this life.
Separation is sounding pretty sweet because I need someone to be down for me completely not half heartedly.
Living each day not knowing the thoughts passing through your mind leaves an empty feeling inside.
Each glance you give me seems like there is something missing, something hidden that my eyes can’t see but my soul overstands.
Intuition sends a message of some kind, a premonition that appears in my dreams trying to signal that everything is not what it seems.
Trying not to dwell on events from the past but they haunt me every hour of every waking day.
There is no way that everything is okay or working out for the better.
Letters were written entailing disappointments and hesitation that this merger is worth saving.
Untruths spoken and guilt imposed on me that I was unaware of.
Thoughts crept into my mind saying that his heart is not all mine.
When our world is upside down there is no sunshine.
Patience reached an end and trust met its fate, sentenced to death by way of a breaking heart
in the midst my quest for finding myself makes me feel that I should walk away.
I never asked for this treatment, but maybe I deserve it.
Possibly facing the consequence of something done in a past life the one where I was a terrible wife or even in this life.
Separation is sounding pretty sweet because I need someone to be down for me completely not half heartedly.
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