Today I took my symbolic walk of freedom. I have suffered with sever depression for so many years. I’m slightly embarrassed that so much of my 20’s was spent in a whirlwind of depressive thoughts that skewed my view of life. It took a long time for me to even realize that my sadness and lack of motivation could be really classified as depression. Many times when a person thinks of depression as a mental disorder people are falsely labeled crazy. In reality depression is a serious kill joy to what life really has to offer. Sure there is pain in this world and unfortunately no human is exempt from its share of pain.
My depression stole my joy. I had to really do some soul searching to find out the exact point where my down feelings surfaced. I knew I was hurting and not seeing clear. I had an idea of where the depression came from but the one thing that I wasn’t banking on was that I had an underlying susceptibility to depression because of my genetics and other health issues. I’m a walking Catch 22.
For years I have been caught up in a painful situation. I’ve reviewed my journals, personal notes, emails, photo albums, etc., looking at how I’ve changed over these years. Each year I became more withdrawn and more insecure. My fragile self-esteem was being kicked, beaten, and stabbed. My heart broke so many times. Too many times but I had to learn to recognize my role in my heart’s broken condition.
Many things happened that were out of my control. I just didn’t know that I could walk away. I was first introduced to walking away in 06. Old baggage resurfaced along with expressions of disappointment and unfulfilled needs. It didn’t register until there was a face, a name to attach to the change in behavior and withdrawal. In a moment of rage I put on my sneakers and I walked. I was so emotionally distraught at that time. I cried and I walked until my adrenaline died down and my back pain forced me to sit on the side of the road.
Since that year my times of great loss have been met with a walk. I beat the pavement! This has become a trend but one I want to allow without being a result of pain. In the spring I was able to do just that. I confronted my feelings and then I moved on. I am moving on again. I am tired of past events causing me pain. I still struggle with my depression but I refuse to let it control me. I have to stay focused. It’s hard but I am not willing to give up.